Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
