Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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