i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
