i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
