Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
