There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she told me i tasted like america
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
