last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
