his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
