my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
