it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
