I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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