Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
