Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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