I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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