whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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