My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
