I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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