Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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