It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
