Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
