Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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