mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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