I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I could make wine with my vomit
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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