That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
