I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
