I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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