Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
