how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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