Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
