I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i love accidental penises.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dicks are not precious.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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