I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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