Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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