Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We don't watch enough power rangers
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
