i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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