Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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