I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
