dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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