You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
