Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
