What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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