i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
