cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My vagina is very pro this idea
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
