Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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