bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
