I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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