Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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