I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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