dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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