saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
