If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
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