Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
