Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
