Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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